Thursday, August 13, 2015

Miserable

Hey all,
Yesterday, I had a scan because I've been having symptoms such as night sweats, abdominal pain and loss of appetite. The scan was clear yesterday, which probably begs the question, why am I miserable?

I guess my brother's birthday is a terrible day for me, every year, because I blame myself for him being born too early. That obviously doesn't make any sense, and I know that, but I never got to be his annoying big sister or teach him how to play basketball. And I've never got past it, and this was 8 years ago.

I've never told anyone this, except my mom, but I guess now is as good a time as any.
Right after I found out that I had cancer, I thought to myself, looks like i'll be seeing my brothers sooner that I thought.
I was kind of hoping that maybe they could send me a picture or a card explaining why everything has happened, but that didn't work out.

To add to my depression, anytime I try to talk to my best friend, she's busy, surprise, surprise.
I don't know why I try anymore. Maybe, I believe, deep down, she'd never hurt me on purpose. Maybe, it's cuz I want to have a best friend.
Maybe, I believe that I deserve to be broken.
I don't know, all I know is that, my life has sucked and losing my best friend was probably the worst part of it.

To brighten up the day, I'm going to one of my friend's birthday parties. I'm not entirely excited about it, but I owe it to her as a friend, to be there for her.