Thursday, August 13, 2015

Miserable

Hey all,
Yesterday, I had a scan because I've been having symptoms such as night sweats, abdominal pain and loss of appetite. The scan was clear yesterday, which probably begs the question, why am I miserable?

I guess my brother's birthday is a terrible day for me, every year, because I blame myself for him being born too early. That obviously doesn't make any sense, and I know that, but I never got to be his annoying big sister or teach him how to play basketball. And I've never got past it, and this was 8 years ago.

I've never told anyone this, except my mom, but I guess now is as good a time as any.
Right after I found out that I had cancer, I thought to myself, looks like i'll be seeing my brothers sooner that I thought.
I was kind of hoping that maybe they could send me a picture or a card explaining why everything has happened, but that didn't work out.

To add to my depression, anytime I try to talk to my best friend, she's busy, surprise, surprise.
I don't know why I try anymore. Maybe, I believe, deep down, she'd never hurt me on purpose. Maybe, it's cuz I want to have a best friend.
Maybe, I believe that I deserve to be broken.
I don't know, all I know is that, my life has sucked and losing my best friend was probably the worst part of it.

To brighten up the day, I'm going to one of my friend's birthday parties. I'm not entirely excited about it, but I owe it to her as a friend, to be there for her.

Thursday, August 6, 2015

An Unforgettable Experience

This past weekend I had an end of chemo/ #kaylakickedkancerskeister party which I was dreading almost as much as I dreaded chemo, okay, maybe not that much. But I was so worried about the amount of people attending the party, that it caused a huge pit in my stomach.

I'm not sure what I worried about, because the party was a huge hit. It last for almost 8 hours and the music pumped until the very last second as the fire died down. I even had a huge surprise from a few of my elementary school classmates. I had invited one of my old teammates and friend who I just recently got back in contact with and it turned out that a few of my old classmates wanted to celebrate with me, so about 8 showed up which meant more than they'll ever know.

The fact that even after I transferred last year, they still care about me. I will never forget this. It's a story I will tell my kids because they deserve to have friends just like mine.

In other good news, I finally started talking to my best friend for the first time in months. And she finally told me the reason why she stopped being there for me, I will never fully get it. But I understand a little more than I did a week ago. I really just want to get past my broken heart and get back to being able to finish each other's sentences and trusting each other more than we trust ourselves. We may never get there, and that's fine with me, I've accepted it, but I'm just happy that she's still in my life.

"Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible."

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

"Believe you can and you're halfway there."

"Life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it."

"If opportunity doesn't knock, open the door."

"Every strike brings me closer to a home run."

Oh, I almost forgot! I am going to write a two part story about my journey. The first part will be about chemo and cancer and the second part will be what happens after. And my wish is to get the book published and go on a book tour with stops on the Today Show, Good Morning America and Ellen.

Let me know what you think, please!