I Feel Like A Crap Bag

Well, lets start off by saying Happy Presidents Day! I mean, do people actually celebrate this? Like do people have a cake with all the presidents on it? Well, i know all students celebrate the day off school by sleeping til noon or binge watching Gossip Girl on Netflix. And if you don't, you should probably see a doctor. 

Well, I for one enjoyed sleeping practically all day. Even my siblings respected the day off school rituals by binge watching their own shows as well as letting me sleep. 

Just in the past few days, I have realized I have the best friends ever from scavenger hunts at Walmart to texts everyday and phone calls while I'm at the hospital. I love you guys more than you know. I may not always see them, but I know they are here for me when I need them. 

Today, well actually right now, my best friend who we'll call Burger King came to visit me today. She goes to a different school than me so we rarely see each other. Lots of times I'll be found in tears when thinking about her because I miss her so much. But now she's here which is great, even though I'm a little smelly. I'm just going to be in tears when she leaves cause she's my best friend and I love her even when she annoys me and doesn't return my texts or calls. 
Yesterday I had a good visit with my other best friend,we'll call her Leader Heights. I haven't seen her very much lately because she's been busy with school and basketball. Trust me, I was jealous of her because I couldn't play. But now I'm okay, I've accepted it... for the most part. We had pizza and a good chat. I'm glad because on Saturday, I had a major breakdown because I missed her. 

I've noticed that my medicine makes me really emotional. I've found myself telling my mom and my sister that I love them about ten times an hour. My dad and I have always had a sport's bond but lately I haven't really had anything to talk to him about. I feel bad about always going to my mom when I need something to do with being sick. So I attempt to tell him I love him a couple times a day and he either looks at me weird or asks me what I want.

So the reason I feel like a crap bag is from the Rituxan. It causes pain in every single one of my joints, especially my legs, arms and back. I also get terrible stomach pain and chest pain. And just starting late Saturday and early Sunday morning I've been getting these faintish feelings in my head. It makes me nauseous.

The one thing that has gotten me through all of this is music. But more important than that is my mom. She's been my rock this whole time. Do you how many shirts of hers I've soaked with tears? Lately I haven't been able to sleep in my own room. I feel lost and I just can't fall asleep. So I watched Neighbors, which is very inappropriate but I must say Zac Efron and Dave Franco made it worth it. I slept on the couch leaning on my mom or I sleep in my parent's bed which means either my mom or dad loses their spot. 

But I feel bad for my parents. I mean, their oldest and favorite daughter has Mortimer Dorkus! My dad doesn't say much about anything. My mom is handling it with the strength of the Undertaker. I'm so proud of her.

Now last thing, I hate when people ask me how I am. I feel like I have to be a freaking liar and say I'm fine, when in reality I feel like I'm breaking to a million tiny pieces. I know people are just trying to be nice but this sucks and they can't fix it. In the words of my baby sister, "Only God can."  And another thing I hate is when people tell me they understand what I'm going through. Again, in the words of my favorite sister, "They don't." I'm sorry if that makes me a jerk but I'm just being me. In the words of Burger King, "Sometimes the truth hurts."

Today's question is Okay not be okay but say you're okay? And has anyone else ever done that before. 

Feel free to comment honestly.

I would like to thank everyone for reading this. I mean, people are in Venezuela are reading. You guys are honestly the best. Have a wonderful day!

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