Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Another Day Another Few Handfuls of Hair

Yep you guessed it! My hair is falling out. It started Monday evening when I was brushing out my hair after my shower. Handfuls of hair would come out in my brush. I was in tears because this makes it all real. By losing my hair, people can tell I have cancer. But I'm going to take control of it and get it shaved off sometime within the week.

My mom and I were looking online at wigs and hats on the big screen TV/computer today. Did you know you can get a hat with hair attached to it? I think I'll pass on that.

Today I'm getting my fourth dose of rituxan. I'm so glad I only have two weeks left of that.

My bone pain, which the doctors think is caused by the shot they gave me, isn't much better than it was. So the doctors are giving me long lasting morphine. That's right! I'm getting morphine. I really hope it helps.

So I have the best daddy in the world. You know how I've been eating burgers lately? well, my dad was kind enough to go to Fuddruckers and get me a Southwestern burger, fries and an Oreo milkshake.

Today I'm working on a collage of cut-out pictures from magazines. I have a picture of Jenifer Lawrence in a Dior Haute Couture's silk jacquard and a picture of Netflix's most binge worthy show, Gossip Girl.

I also have the best mommy ever. I haven't been sleeping well due to my pain and also just because. She stays up with me every night and listens to me list off statistics of Mortimer Dorkus while she's half falling asleep.
She is one of my best friends and I love her to the moon and back.

The other day I was in so much pain so I decided a visit to Grammie's would be a good pick me up.  It was so good, we even took her along to the bank.

My family is the best. We argue a lot but in the end we're always there for each other.

Sunday, February 22, 2015

Aching Bad Day

So I haven't been really in the mood to sit and type this weekend. But I'm going to try. As some of you saw earlier today I am getting tired of feeling broken. I just feel like my world is literally falling to pieces, not to mention me, personally. The rituxan, I mentioned a few posts ago, makes me feel achy in my bones and muscles but to make it worse I get a shot to help boost my blood cells which causes even more aching. Basically my weekend was spent laying in bed or on the sofa. Every time I got up, I regretted it so much. Nothing helps, not even the medicine or pain pellets as my sister calls them. 

This weekend I decided on the foods I want to eat. They are mac and cheese, baked ziti, cheeseburgers and milkshakes, preferably a shamrock shake from McDonald's. I never really used to like mac n' cheese but now it's my love. It's kind of scary what the chemo can do to a person. Next thing that will happen is I'll like oranges. Haha! I crack myself up.

Yesterday I attempted to play uno with my brother and sister. to say it ended badly was an understatement. My brother freaked at me and threw the deck at my eye. Then he got in argument with my mom and said, "She doesn't get in trouble because she's sick." I feel like that's not true, but I see where he's coming from. For instance, my parents aren't going to take away my phone if I have chemo because I have to sit there for like eight hours. But I still get yelled out and my books still get taken away like before. So I love to read, so my punishment was always I got my book or Kindle taken away. 

Sorry for the short post, I am very sore and even typing makes it worse. So anybody know any good jokes. Just something brighten the days of everyone reading and myself.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Chemo Fun

This morning I endured a hour long car ride through the countryside. It's a good thing I was half asleep or we would have needed a barf bucket. We didn't arrive until almost 9am, which set us back. And to top it off, my room got changed. Instead of room 25 like usual I'm in room 15.

I always tired and sore. This is isn't supposed to happen until you're old and gray like my mom. '

Enough about my mom. Today I'm going to talk about my siblings. I have a little sister and a younger brother. My sister and I are adjoined at the hip. My brother and I, not so much. My brother refused to talk to me, or even look at me the week after I told him about my diagnosis. My sister on the other hand treats me the same. If I ask her for help she'll try and barter with me. For instance, the other day I asked her to get me a cup of water. She said only if I turned on a song for her on TV. I was very tired and thirsty so I agreed. But my sister is so sweet. She does kid writing for school and the topic was how can you follow in Jesus' footsteps. She said she follows in his footsteps by helping my big sister because she's sick. And she drew a picture of me laying down with my head on sideways.

I miss being able to just hang out with my friends whenever I want, even if they have a cold. I miss playing Just Dance until 11pm at night. I miss not being the center of attention. I miss my best friends. I miss arguing with my brother. I miss my mom and my little sister anytime they leave. My emotions have been seriously messed up and I've become extremely attached to my mom and sister. I miss not having a care in the world. But what I really miss is feeling like myself.

I'm literally holding my eyelids up to stay awake at this point. So the last thing i have to say is, everyday you achieve something, it may not be something huge that everybody notices, but just by getting through another day you have achieved something great.

Monday, February 16, 2015

I Feel Like A Crap Bag

Well, lets start off by saying Happy Presidents Day! I mean, do people actually celebrate this? Like do people have a cake with all the presidents on it? Well, i know all students celebrate the day off school by sleeping til noon or binge watching Gossip Girl on Netflix. And if you don't, you should probably see a doctor. 

Well, I for one enjoyed sleeping practically all day. Even my siblings respected the day off school rituals by binge watching their own shows as well as letting me sleep. 

Just in the past few days, I have realized I have the best friends ever from scavenger hunts at Walmart to texts everyday and phone calls while I'm at the hospital. I love you guys more than you know. I may not always see them, but I know they are here for me when I need them. 

Today, well actually right now, my good friend who we'll call Burger King came to visit me today. She goes to a different school than me so we rarely see each other. Lots of times I'll be found in tears when thinking about her because I miss her so much. But now she's here which is great, even though I'm a little smelly. I'm just going to be in tears when she leaves cause she's my best friend and I love her even when she annoys me and doesn't return my texts or calls. 
Yesterday I had a good visit with my other best friend,we'll call her Leader Heights. I haven't seen her very much lately because she's been busy with school and basketball. Trust me, I was jealous of her because I couldn't play. But now I'm okay, I've excepted it... for the most part. We had pizza and a good chat. I'm glad because on Saturday, I had a major breakdown because I missed her. 

I've noticed that my medicine makes me really emotional. I've found myself telling my mom and my sister that I love them about ten times an hour. My dad and I have always had a sport's bond but lately I haven't really had anything to talk to him about. I feel bad about always going to my mom when I need something to do with being sick. So I attempt to tell him I love him a couple times a day and he either looks at me weird or asks me what I want.

So the reason I feel like a crap bag is from the Rituxan. It causes pain in every single one of my joints, especially my legs, arms and back. I also get terrible stomach pain and chest pain. And just starting late Saturday and Sunday morning I've been getting these faintish feelings in my head. It makes me nauseous.

The one thing that has gotten me through all of this is music. But more important than that is my mom. She's been my rock this whole time. Do you how many shirts of hers I've soaked with tears? Lately I haven't been able to sleep in my own room. I feel lost and I just can't fall asleep. So I watched Neighbors, which is very inappropriate but I must say Zac Efron and Dave Franco made it worth it. I slept on the couch leaning on my mom or I sleep in my parent's bed which means either my mom or dad loses their spot. 

But I feel bad for my parents. I mean, their oldest and favorite daughter has Mortimer Dorkus! My dad doesn't say much about anything. My mom is handling it with the strength of the Undertaker. I'm so proud of her.

Now last thing, I hate when people ask me how I am. I feel like I have to be a freaking liar and say I'm fine, when in reality I feel like I'm breaking to a million tiny pieces. I know people are just trying to be nice but this sucks and they can't fix it. In the words of my baby sister, "Only God can."  And another thing I hate is when people tell me they understand what I'm going through. Again, in the words of my favorite sister, "They don't." I'm sorry if that makes me a jerk but I'm just being me. In the words of Burger King, "Sometimes the truth hurts."

Today's question is Okay not be okay but say you're okay? And has anyone else ever done that before. 

Feel free to comment honestly.

I would like to thank everyone for reading this. I mean, people are in Venezuela are reading. You guys are honestly the best. Have a wonderful day!

Saturday, February 14, 2015

Valentine's Day

Good morning! Oh, wait it's actually the afternoon. That's what happens when you don''t fall asleep until 2am and sleep until 10:30 am. This happened because I am having terrible pain in my joints.I try to be strong and not admit when I don't feel good. But right now I feel like crap. But this makes sense because my blood counts went from 6,000 to 2,000 after my first chemo treatment. That's okay though, I can continue having chemo unless my counts go below 750.

Today hasn't been all bad though. I have the best family because this morning my mom, brother and sister drove up to Hershey to pick up my medication for my joint pain. And on the way home they stopped at the store. My sister got me a huge Valentine's dog, cupcake bake sale type thing and a little Valentine's bear. My brother got me stuff to tie-dye shirts, every color he could find. And my mom got me big sourdough pretzels. I also talked to one of my good friends this morning. He'll be named Instagram guy. I asked him if he would like to shave his head in solidarity with me. I told him, i wouldn't be hurt if he said no. He responded by saying he'd love to, that he just had to ask his mom. I was like so overcome with joy and the realization that I have the best friends ever!

Tonight I'm supposed to be going to a Galentine's day party if I feel up to it. I want to go, at least for a little but it involves miss the NBA All Star festivities tonight, dunk and 3-point contest. Congrats to +Kevin Hart for being MVP of the celebrity game for the fourth year in a row even though his team, the East, didn't win.

As some of you know, I get to Make-A-Wish. My wish is to go to the NBA All star festivities and meet +Lebron James. For those of you who don't know who he is, he's been playing in the NBA since he was 18. He's 30 now and still going strong. He went to St. Vincent- St. Mary's High School in Akron, Ohio. He played for Cavaliers and then got drafted to the Miami Heat in 2010. Now he's back in Cleveland with Kyrie Irving and Kevin Love. He has won 2 NBA championships with the Heat and hopes to make it a third with his new big three in Cleveland. So in short, he's the KING! So after my trip I hope to write an article on it for the York Daily Record. Next years All Star weekend is in Canada hosted by Toronto. I think it'd be so cool to go. I love watching it every year on TV, but being there would be unforgettable.

Feel free to comment whenever! (even if you're not a Lebron James fan)

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

It Feels Like My Bithday!

Right now I am getting the Rituxan drug, as of right now I'm not having a reaction to the dug. But someone down the hall is having a reaction and another little boy is not vey happy according to his screaming.

I've noticed the clinic and the hospital have a distinct smell, it's not good but it's not bad. The smell stays on you and everything you have with you after you leave. Some of you know I have a little blanket from when I was a baby that I can't live without. Well when I got home from the hospital, I had to wash sniffy, that's my blanket, almost three times just to remove the smell.

Have any of you received communion while in the hospital? Well, I have and I must say it is very weird. But since I can't attend church weekly now because my immune system is compromised, my good friend Fr. Richard brings me communion every Monday. This week our visit was cut short because he had to go bury some lady who had no family coming to the burial. In the words of Fr. Richard, "It's going to be me, this lady and the Undertaker." So please keep this lady in your prayers.

Yesterday, one of my best guy friends and his mom stopped over to see me for a little while. They got me a basketball hoop for my room, not the easy to break kind you get at the dollar store but one with a real backboard and everything. It was the best present ever!! Needless to say, my brother and sister and I spent an hour after they left shooting baskets.

How many soft blankets is too much? Well I've received 4 just this past week. I think 7 is a good number because I can use a different one each day. How many do you think is a good number?

When I arrived in my room for chemo there was a bear, I named her bubblegum because she had pink soft fur. Apparently it's the children's hospitals birthday. So as a party favor they gave out Penn state Nittany Lion hats. 

I found out that I'm scheduled to have 4 cycles of chemo. Each cycle is 28 days. After the first 2 cycles I will have another PET scan. Oh goody! And we'll go from there.

Feel free to comment.

Saturday, February 7, 2015

I'm Okay

This past Thursday I started chemo, four crappy drugs with 4 billion crappy side effects. There was a red liquid that they had to push in the iv, a clear liquid they pushed in the iv and two clear liquids they infused like normal. The symptoms from these drugs vary from flu-like symptoms to hair loss. I was fine right after the drugs were infused so I was able to leave the hospital and come home. On the way home I became a little nauseous leading me to not eat dinner and lay on the couch all night.

Yesterday I was feeling okay. I was very tired so I slept until 9:30ish and than took a nap from about 11:30- 2. At 6 last night I decided I was going to the ignite girl's night. I felt as though I had to put on an act because I didn't want anyone to feel bad for me. But while I was there a few of my friends were having an interesting conversation about hair. They were talking about how they could cut it short, color it or even shave it off. The conversation made me a little uncomfortable, I'm not sure they realized that though. But I realized that as early as this coming week, I could be shaving my head.

On and off all day I've been nauseous and I've learned that certain smells and foods are repulsive. For instance, my little brother is not allowed to wear his "man" spray around me anymore. And the oddest thing is I'm repulsed by the blandest food. So I've been living on Italian and barbecue mini meatloaves for the past 24 hours.

So some of you know my favorite fall show was Red Band Society. Well they decided to cancel the show this year. But before they cancel the show they're are finishing the season. It's about five teenagers in the pediatric ward of the hospital. I fell in love with it the first time I saw it. I'm just so psyched that they're wrapping up all the loose ends before the show gets canceled.

Everyone's comments are welcome.

A smile makes even the darkest days brighter!

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

A Bump in the Road

This morning I arrived at the hospital just before 8 for my first chemo session. My stomach was in so many knots that all I could eat were cucumbers. Last night I was stressing so much about what I was going to wear. I made my dad go out at 10 last night and by me more sweatpants and t-shirts. For those of you who know me, know clothes are the last thing I pay attention to. As long as I'm comfortable, I'm good.

So this morning before I got any drugs they had to access my port. In order for it to not hurt, my mom has to put a numbing cream on it. But this being my first time, my mom had no idea how much to put on. So when we got here we realized she only put a quarter of what she was supposed to use. The nurse put more cream on and I had to wait an hour until they could access the port. Once they finally did they gave me Benadryl and tylenol and a new drug called Rituximab which has a lot of side effects including, flu-like symptoms, itching and a tickle in the throat or a feeling of your throat closing. They started infusing it slowly, than every half hour they'd speed it up a bit. The first side effect I experienced was nauseous. That might have been the fact that all I had to eat was cucumbers all day. But about 10 minutes after the nausea hit, I got a tingly feeling and then my throat began to close over. During this time they had to shut off the Rituxan and decided i'd be admitted to the hospital floor and receive the infusion through the night than begin the chemo drugs tomorrow.

We weren't expecting to be here overnight so we didn't have extra clothes. We just had numerous laptops, notebooks and games. So my mom and godmother went to Kmart and bought me t-shirts, shorts, pants, undergarments and pajama shorts. I have such great family!

I met a teen Hodgkin's survivor who is answering my questions about treatment and how I'll feel. She had 4 cycles of treatment but by the time she was halfway through all her tumors were gone.

I start chemo drugs tomorrow whenever the Rituxan stops which should be about 10 a.m.ish. 

All the prayers and love are greatly appreciated.
Feel free to comment.

This is all starting to feel more real and real each day.

Monday, February 2, 2015

Take 2

So today I was able to complete my PET scan. Thank God for drugs! My dad even let me choose what was on TV, but at 8 in the morning we got stuck with That 70's shows. I mean it could have been worse, it could have been Dora the Explorer. When they came to get me for the scan, I closed my eyes and had them lead me to the table. There was no way I was going face to face with the machine today.

After my scan I was basically running on adrenaline or the fact that I beat the scan. But I was still a little loopy afterwards. When I went to breakfast I was playing in the whip cream and chocolate syrup on my pancakes. You can decide if that's normal me or me on drugs. After breakfast on the way back home I was out when we turned out of the Bob Evan's parking lot. My parent's had to wake me up when we got home. But I went right back to sleep when I got inside and slept until 3:10 this afternoon.

My dad told me that I was more relaxed today, even before I got the medicine. And for those of you know him, know he's a big giant teddy bear. He looks scary at first, but once he says something if he says anything you realize he's not that bad. I'd say my dad knows me pretty well because we were always able to connect on sports, he's all about helping us perform better and be aggressive on the court.
My mom is always there for all three of us kids. She helps us up when fall down and for those who know me that's quite often. I feel bad because I think she's taken this the hardest.
My parents may be weird, dorky and what they think is hip, but I wouldn't trade them for anything.

This year I transferred school for reasons that are not important. But I am so appreciative for all the prayers and stuff from people at my last school, regardless of the fact that I've known a lot of them since Kindergarten. 

I was scared that people would treat me differently, maybe they will, but it's only because they care.