Sunday, January 25, 2015

Another Day Another Thing Conquered

Yesterday I decided that I really hate the word cancer. Like I really really hate it. The feelings it brings with it are not pleasant by any means. But a good friend told me that I have to give it a name. Not just any name, an ugly name. I scrolled through lists on he Internet to find names. Some were pretty funny, others I never thought of being ugly names and some were names of my friends. The comments under the names were even funnier than the names themselves. But in the end I decided to give it a first and a last name, both equally ugly. I named it Mortimer Dorkus. Sorry to anyone who might be cursed with this name.

This morning I started a no carbohydrate diet. Trust me, it was not my idea because everything has carbs. I have to start this diet for the next few days because I'm getting a PET Scan on Wednesday. A PET scan is done to see if Mortimer Dorkus has spread anywhere else in my body. They inject a tracer of glucose into me. The reason I can't eat carbs is because in a PET scan, active cells eat up the glucose and light up. Which means my brain will light, well hopefully. But also Mortimer Dorkus will light up. I'm also not allowed to eat anything the morning of the scan which means I'm going to be one hungry person by the time the scans done. But the worst part about this is, I'm terribly afraid of tight spaces. When I was younger I had my first MRI in the hospital because I had a terrible headache. When they pulled me back into the scan, I literally screamed for my mom. It was very traumatizing. You know how they give you music to listen to? The one song I remember listening to was Battlefield by Jordin Sparks. I couldn't listen to that song for 3 years without bursting into tears. And the worst part of that was, it really is a good song. Needless to say, I've dreaded MRI's ever since then or anything really where I'm in a tunnel type thing.

Yesterday was the first time I actually broke down since I was diagnosed. I've felt that I have to be strong this whole time because anyone who knows me knows that I hate feeling weak. Being weak just isn't in my nature. And this diagnosis has made me feel weak, because there's nothing I can do. I realize there's some things in the world I can control. And to be honest, it just sucks! I also hate excepting other people's help. It makes me feel weak if I can't do it myself. I'm sure many people feel that way. But a good friend, the same friend from before actually, told me that I should except other people's help during this time. I may not need the help, but it will help the other people to feel like their doing something to help.

Yesterday I went to a thing at my old school. I was very skeptical about going at first because I know some of the people have heard that I have Mortimer Dorkus. People came up and hugged me. They said they'd keep me in their prayers and if my family needed anything they'd be happy to help. I hate when people ask if they can do anything. Sometimes I just want to scream in their faces, that there is nothing they can do because I can't even do anything. But instead I just say for now their prayers are enough. Then I pray they walk away or talk to my parents instead.

Tonight I'm going to my youth group for like the first time in a month. Most of the people know about my diagnosis. I don't want them to treat me any differently. I know that their probably going to pray for me and I will gladly except their prayers because I know prayers help. But I'm scared their going to like pray over me. I told my mom if that happens then I'm leaving. I know everyone means well. But it's different to pray for someone in like your private prayers than when it's said as an intention when said person is in the room. Am I the only who feels like this? I hope not because it seems reasonable.

Sorry for the long post, I just had a lot to say about the past few days.
I may have Mortimer Dorkus, but I'm still the say person I was last week or even a month ago. I just hope everyone realizes that.